Its been a rough almost 10 months since I parted ways with the distribution company and I am worse off than ever in so many ways and I feel the need to talk about it for no specific reason other than to try and explain to all who have previously put their trust in me why I have let them down and how it all came about. To some this might be a sign of weakness, others will relate and understand. I know everybody is not the same and to some, the things you will read here would not make sense.
Before I continue, let me clear up a few things first.
1: What I am about to tell you is absolutely no excuse for any poor customer service. It is my problems and should have never effected our relationships.
2: I am not asking for anybody’s pity, I am only asking for some form of understanding and a little bit of patience?
3: I will lock this thread to ensure that no one can comment on anything I say, as this will only lead to more confusion within myself.
I started Go-Solar Electrical unofficially in 2016, only to register it in 2018 and giving up my day job to spend all my energy on Solar early 2019. Grew from strength to strength thanks to the support of so many customers even from the forums we share. We were normally booked 3-6 months ahead and even covid could not slow our growth down. I was thriving and met so many of you on this forum in person. I just loved to hear each ones story’s and tales, spending a few days with every new customer and then move on to the next. Some great friendships were formed and a lot of interesting people met.
Then in 2022 while I thought now its all smooth sailing and I should just maintain what ever I was doing, the thing with my daughter came up. I thought to myself, I almost lost her to cancer on the young age of 9 and I don’t want to miss seeing her grow up. The same time someone offered me to join their company in distribution and accepting this offer, gave me the opportunity to not be on the road anymore, but to spend time with my family. And this is where everything went south.
1: I thought, Go-Solar and its staff was strong and capable enough to carry on without me.
2: That I have taught me people well enough to carry on without me.
3: That they will continue doing things as they know I would do it, even though I am not around.
All big mistakes. Although they did exceptionally well under the circumstances, they needed me and I was not there, always too busy building the distribution company and over extending my own as well as my staff’s abilities. It came to a point where my wife started showing severe signs of melt down that made me “Stop and Listen”. It was only then that I realized what tremendous pressure I have unknowingly put them under. As a wife, seeing the stress i am under in my new work, she tried to protect me by keeping GO-Solar issues away from me. As good as she is, and as great as she can be, it became to much for her to handle. She was only one person trying to do the work of many. On top of that my absence on the installation sites led to “Shortcuts” being taken and stuff done in ways that I would never allow. I do not say it was illegal, but there was surely better and neater ways of doing stuff.
By the time I realized that things in Go-Solar was not well anymore, it was almost too late to intervene and with the demands form the directors of the distribution company I wasn’t able to take control again as they would not allow me to answer calls from Go-Solar customers or assist in installations should my guys need my help. I was pissing off Go-Solar customers by pointing them to my staff and office staff that did not always have the answers or understanding of the issue in the same way I do. Customers were relying on my knowledge and assistance and I was nowhere to be found, always busy building the distribution network.
Pissing off my existing customers like this and realizing it, was the beginning of something much worse. I could not get to customers that truly needed my assistance and my staff could not sort it without me.
By this time it became clear that I am not achieving what I hoped for in the distribution side, as well as that I have messed up things in my own business , and when we decided to part ways, it was a welcome relief. I could focus on my own company again. Focusing on my own company made me realize how deep in the Shite I truly was and I started sinking fast, moving into some black hole at an alarming rate.
Pissed off clients, market that came to a complete stand still mid 2023, customers that moved on because the did not want to wait for me anymore, financial pressure when I lost the income from the distribution company, things I found on installations that I did not like and had to fix on my expense, draining the last of our operational capital. By this time I knew, this is not going to be an easy task and most of all, being an overthinker, I have lost faith in myself and my abilities.
I started pulling back and allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper into this terrible black hole in my mind, being totally consumed by my failures, pulling back, away from family and friends and things like this forum that use to give me some sense of belonging and self worth. And then the reality kicked in, I might loose everything that is important to me and more than that important to my family. My one daughter started mountain biking for the school last year and ended 11th in her age group in Gauteng this year, the youngest started music lessons this year and was one of 25 of their students country wide that got invited to perform on TV, showcasing their progress and my daughter that had cancer broke the school shotput record unofficially the first time she tried.
Losing everything will result in my having to take them back to Phalaborwa, to schools where these things are not offered and I would have to see how their happiness gets taken away because of how I stuffed up.
By this time, things were just to much, I did not take calls anymore, hardly if ever looked at emails or WhatsApp’s, I could not face the world anymore, I did not want to face the world anymore. I was at the worst place ever and not thinking straight anymore. Could not concentrate on what was needed and started to become my own worst enemy being counter productive in everything I decided or did. Could not sleep and use to spend most of my nights outside wondering what to do and then falling asleep at between 4-5 in the mornings leaving me in a state where i don’t even want to get up in the mornings.
Thoughts of dying and that I would mean more to my family dead than alive flooded my mind. The only way I can keep them is Pretoria where they are truly happy, is to die. Just one problem, I am not allowed to commit suicide as none of my policies would pay out, leaving them worse off and forcing them to move back to the life I am trying to protect them from. These thoughts and trying to find solutions became all consuming.
Then one morning a few weeks back, I woke up and said to myself, you have done it once, just do it again. Apologize to those that you feel you have disappointed, ask for their forgiveness and mend the relationships you can, build new ones and don’t make the same mistakes.
And this is exactly that. Sorry to anyone that I have let down, I have made the wrong decisions, and have paid dearly. I hope we can restore the trust that once were. I am trying my best, step by step, trying every day to get my line of thinking back to what it use to be.
